


My Heaven Was Here, It Was Here.

by delinquentprincess



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character Death, F/M, Found Families, I'm so sorry for this, the dropship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 06:22:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14302740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delinquentprincess/pseuds/delinquentprincess
Summary: Clarke did a head count. Kane, Miller, Harper, Monty, Costa… she then took notice of the tarp that sat at Kane and Miller’s feet. She frantically searched the group again.No. Not him. Anyone but him.





	My Heaven Was Here, It Was Here.

**Author's Note:**

> _It's like I'm looking from a distance,_   
>  _Standing in the background_   
>  _Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> I'm so sorry in advance, this one hurt a lot. I cried for two hours while writing this - you've been warned.

Clarke was in the med bay when she heard commotion at the gate. _The scouting team must be back_ , she thought as she quickly cleaned up what she was working with and made her way to the front of the Ark. Bellamy’s team was 4 hours late coming back and she had begun to worry something bad had happened, reminded that something bad still could have happened her pace quickened. 

Once outside, her eyes immediately landed on the group that had returned from Podakru territory. Something was off, she knew as soon as Miller met her gaze (and it wasn’t just the early morning light making everything look dreary). Arkadians circled the group but at a distance, Clarke felt like everyone’s eyes were on her suddenly. As Clarke started towards them, she was intercepted by her mother.

“Clarke, why don’t we –“ but Clarke dodged Abby and continued onto the group. 

She did a head count. Kane, Miller, Harper, Monty, Costa… she then took notice of the tarp that sat at Kane and Miller’s feet. She frantically searched the group again.

_No. Not him. Anyone but him._

She fell into a run and Miller grabbed her before she reached the tarp, “Miller, move!” And surprisingly he stepped back without further argument. 

With shaking hands and unsteady knees, Clarke all but fell beside the tarp. Her hand hovered over the edge because until she lifts it, she still has deniability. She still has hope that he could walk through the gate, calling her Princess and winking at her when she makes a face. 

She swallows, reaches her hand down, and pulls aside the tarp. He looks like he’s sleeping, and Clarke thinks that may be the worst part. He looks like he would wake with just the gentlest brush of her hand over his forehead. And she even tries it, he doesn’t move.

She pulls her bottom lip in between her teeth and bites down hard, she tastes blood but doesn’t stop. Her eyes begin to burn. Miller speaks up from behind her, “We were ambushed. They came out of nowhere. The arrow was in his chest before we even had time to react.” 

Clarke shifts her eyes to his chest, a big red spot covering most of his t-shirt, his guards jacket already removed. _They must have taken the arrow out._

Thunder rolled overhead ( _how fitting,_ Clarke thought), and Kane approached her cautiously. 

“We need to get a grave dug, before the rain comes.” Clarke’s jaw starts to tremble, and she shook her head frantically, tears threatening to spill. _Not like this. It wasn’t supposed to be like this._ But this wasn’t about her, this was about him. And a very important person needed to be there. 

“No, not without Octavia” Clarke stresses.

Kane hesitates, “She’s in Polis.”

“She needs … someone needs to tell her. She needs to know. She needs to…to be here.” Clarke struggles to get it out. 

Kane nodded solemnly, “I’ll radio Indra, see if she can track Octavia down.” He then made a motion for people to move the body.

“Wait – no! Where are they bringing him?!” Clarke held onto his cold, pale forearm, staring up at Miller in a panic as tears began to fall down her cheeks.

Miller tensed his jaw, “To the med bay, we can’t leave him here.”

Clarke looked away from him, nodding her head and allowed for the other guards to pick up the body and carry him inside the Ark. Clarke attempted to rise and follow them but her knees gave out. But suddenly there was Raven and Jasper, catching her before she hit the ground, supporting her weight, and walking her in the direction of the Ark. 

The guards take the body down one corridor and Jasper and Raven turn to lead her down another (presumably to her room) but she digs her heels in, “No, no! I need to be with him!” More tears leak out of her eyes.

Raven’s voice is watery, “Okay, okay. We’ll take you too him.” And they change their course.

She finds herself a chair next to the table they left him on. The room is too full of people and Clarke feels like she’s suffocating. One look at Raven is all it takes.

“Everybody out. Now.” Her voice is commanding, but it still breaks on the last word. Everyone files out of the room, even her mother, and she is left alone with him.

Clarke finds it strange. She used to crave quiet moments with him, how ironic is it that they only get one after he’s gone. She would give anything to hear his voice again, shouting out orders, making sarcastic quips, speaking reason.

She runs a hand through his curls. 

“You can wake up now, Bellamy.” Her voice trembles but she tries a half-smile, “Very funny joke but its over.”

He doesn’t move.

Her face crumbles, and her chest heaves, “Please wake up, Bellamy, _please._ ”

Still nothing. 

Finally, she falls apart. Sobbing and clinging to his still bloody t-shirt, her tears mixing with his faded freckles. “Please, Bellamy! Please! I can’t do this without you, _I don’t want to do this without you!_ "

She shakes him, “Please!” her sobs echo around the room and she’s sure that her friends standing outside the door can hear her, but no one comes inside. 

“I love you.” Because she never got to say it when he was alive and now the words are aching to leave her lips.

She stays there until morning, head on his chest, and tear stains on his shirt. She doesn’t sleep, and she doesn’t even realize that it’s morning until Kane and Miller come inside. 

“Octavia’s on her way,” Kane says, “We’re going to start digging the grave.”

Clarke stood, shaking her head. Her voice came out raspy from the night before, “No.”

Both Kane and Miller stared at her in confusion, “We’re not burying him here. We’ll do it at the Dropship.” 

They all left Arkadia just after the sun was up. They loaded Bellamy’s body onto a stretcher, Miller and Murphy insisting on carrying it back to the Dropship. Jasper, Monty, and Harper lead the way, Clarke walked beside the stretcher, Raven holding her hand the whole way. Kane and Abby took up the rear with the rest of the hundred following behind. 

They reached the old cemetery by mid morning. Clarke picked out Wells’ grave with ease amongst the other delinquents. The fact the Bellamy was going to be among them, made Clarke sick to her stomach. She sank to the ground with the stretcher as Miller and Murphy placed it down to pick up the long-forgotten shovels left behind by the hundred. Watching them dig Bellamy’s grave (at the top of the other graves, so he could watch over them, even in death) made Clarke’s blood run cold. _This was really happening. It wasn’t a bad dream._

She turned her attention away from the grave and back onto Bellamy. His curls had fallen into his eyes on the journey over and Clarke brushed them back with her finger tips. 

The boys had finished digging and everyone was staring at her, waiting for what to do next. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

In the silence, Kane began the prayer, one by one members of the hundred joined him in saying goodbye to their leader, “In peace may you leave the shore. In love may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels until our final journey on the ground.”

“May we meet again.” Clarke whispered with them, pressing a kiss to Bellamy’s forehead. 

Octavia makes it just before they put him in the ground. She skids off of her horse, coming to kneel next to Clarke at Bellamy’s side. Her hand flies to her mouth as a wail rips through her.

Her hands fumble as they come to rest on either side of her brother’s face. Clarke watches as Octavia clenches her jaw and closes her eyes, willing the tears away. Octavia turned to Clarke then, fire in her eyes,

“How did this happen?” He voice was more broken than Clarke had ever heard it.

“Podakru. An arrow hit his chest. He was gone before they got him back to camp.” Clarke felt her face crumble in on itself again. Octavia knew what this meant, neither of them got to say goodbye. 

Looking at Octavia now, still healing from Lincoln, torn apart by Bellamy, Clarke was worried. She would have to keep an eye on her, look after her. For Bellamy.

“May we meet again, big brother.” Octavia wiped her tears and kissed his cheek. 

Mustering up the courage, Clarke looked over at Miller and Murphy and gave them a nod. The boys came towards them, and picked up the stretcher, Monty, Harper and Kane coming to join them at the grave. As they lowered Bellamy into the ground, Octavia grabbed tightly onto Clarke.

Miller and Murphy began shovelling dirt into the grave and Clarke suddenly surged forward because _no! This is not supposed to happen! You are supposed to still be here! You can’t leave me! No!_ It takes Octavia and Jasper to hold her back, Raven smoothing her hair and whispering soothing things into her ear. 

They mark his grave with a rock. Each of the hundred take a turn at the makeshift head stone before making the trip back to Arkadia. Harper places flowers at the base of it. Monty and Jasper go together. Murphy hesitates, before touching the rock briefly with his finger tips and moving on. Kane and Abby pay their respects, Kane finally allowing himself to break down. Abby guides him back to camp with misty eyes and a lump in her throat. Octavia doesn’t approach the grave, instead she stares at it from her spot beside Clarke before she rises and mounts her horse once more, riding off to Polis without so much as a glance back.

And then its just her, Raven and Miller.

“I’ve got her,” Miller says as he and Raven exchange a look overtop of Clarke. She nods and makes her way to the grave, brushing her hand over the rock. She glances back at Clarke before leaving to catch up with Kane and Abby. 

The forest is silent except for Clarkes sobs. She stares angerly at the headstone from her spot in the dirt, Miller standing off of her left shoulder.

“This isn’t fair,” Clarke whimpers, “He was never supposed to die.”

And Clarke knows it’s stupid because everyone dies, especially on Earth. But Bellamy always seemed like he never would, that he would always be there. And for him to suddenly be gone? Clarke had a few words for whoever was in charge. 

“I was with him,” Miller says suddenly, swallowing back the tears, “When he died.”

Clarke heaves another sob.

“He wanted me to tell you, Clarke, that he loved you. More than you could have known.” She nodded. _She knew, of course she knew._

“I put his jacket in your room, I wouldn’t let anyone else touch it.” Clarke sobbed again, this time she reached up and grabbed onto Miller’s hand, giving it a squeeze in thanks. 

Miller stayed there with her, long after everyone else had gone back to Arkadia. Waiting for her to decide when she wanted to leave, and only then helping her up from the dirt. She leaned heavily on him, as she refused to look back at the grave that sat in the shadow of the Dropship. 

Clarke hated the fact that he was stuck in one place forever. Bellamy would hate that too. 

Miller walks her all the way back to her room, as she wants to avoid both her mother and Raven. She can only take so much in 24 hours. Miller gives her hand another squeeze and a light smile before leaving her alone. 

(He must had made a promise to Bellamy, Clarke thought. Whether it was in his last moments or before she couldn’t be sure but, she knew for one thing that Nathan Miller had promised to look after Clarke if anything happened to Bellamy, and he was following through. Even if it meant masking his own pain).

Her room was a lot like she left it, except for the guards jacket sitting on the edge of her bed. She gingerly picked it up, pressing it to her face. Fresh waves of grief wracked her body as she let exhaustion pull her onto her bed, Bellamy’s jacket hugged tightly to her body. It smelt like him. Of pine trees and gun powder, of the rover and apples, of almosts and unfulfilled futures. Of the first day they landed on Earth.

She’s had him through it all.

_She’s terrified to do this alone._

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this with tears blocking my vision at 1 am so i'm sorry if it's crap, hope you enjoyed it anyway :)
> 
> ** this is also unedited so i'll probably come and fix it in the morning
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated!


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